My First Assignment
by BigB27
Summary: Brandon Colt is a new recruit at MI6, he is desperate to complete his first big assignment. But what happens when Brandon is partnered with rookie hater Agent 007? Oneshot. OC.


My First Assignment

Hello my names Brandon Colt. I recently joined MI6, and for my first big assignment my partner was the infamous James Bond, after working with him myself, I can say he is one of the worst agents in MI6, but I'm getting ahead of myself. I first met him after several weeks of working at MI6. Since I was a rookie I hadn't had any big assignments yet. Most rookies were just sat behind a desk doing research, or helping the older agents. Most of the older agents would mock the rookies, Bond being one of them. Lucky for me I did research most of the time, but on that day I got assigned as an older agents lackey, Bond's lackey.

All the rookie agents gathered in the briefing room, we were met by Mr. Carlton, the manager of rookie agents. Every day he assigns each agent a job. You prayed to be given a research job. But that day my luck ran out. "Colt, today you will be shadowing 007." Mr. Carlton said. My heart raced as the room filled with gasps. Bond had a reputation for being a reckless agent, and when his days were spent in office, he was usually grumpy. Only very rarely was someone assigned to shadow him, and when you were it was hell. Bond hated rookie agents so he gave them pointless menial tasks. Other times he'd make them do ridiculous things for his own amusement. But either way a day shadowing bond was not a day you would like to remember.

"But Mr. Carlton, I'm needed to research the Montreal case." I said. "No Colt, today Birley will research the Montreal case." Carlton said coldly. "But it's a really complicated case sir; it would confuse anyone who wasn't familiar with the material." I explained. "I'm sure Birley can handle it, and anyway Colt, you haven't shadowed a mature agent once since being recruited. It's high time you get a break from researching and shadow another agent. Now everyone get on with your assigned jobs. Post haste." Carlton said while walking to his office. There was no point arguing, I had to shadow James Bond.

I walked up the stairs to Bonds office; I became very dizzy knowing of his reputation with rookies. As I reached the floor I noticed my heavy breathing. "Come on Brandon you can do this." I said to myself. I walked along the corridor and saw the sign, 'James Bond agent 007'. I knocked on the door; I was then instructed to enter the room. I saw him sitting at the desk staring at his computer. Luxurious Armani suit, hair slicked back, Rolex on his wrist. How did he afford such expensive clothing? As he looked at me he seemed unhappy. He could tell I was a rookie just by my posture.

"What do you want?" He asked moodily. "Uh, hi I'm Brandon Colt, and I've um, been assigned to shadow you." I said nervously. Bond frowned. "Great another bloody rookie shadowing me, how many times must I tell that stupid idiot Alex to stop sending his recruits to me?" Bond said grumpily. He got a scrap of paper and began writing on it. "Here, go to the shops and pick up these items, but don't read it until you're in the shop" He said. "Why?" I asked puzzled. "So you can practice keeping confidential information away from rival agents. "Okay then." I said anxiously. I was sort of relieved that all he'd asked me to do was pick up a few items off a list. How hard could that be?

As I reached the lobby Carlton approached. "Colt what the hell do you think you're doing?" He asked me. "007 gave me this grocery list. I'm not skiving, I swear." I said. "Let me see that list." As I got the list out my pocket he snatched it off of me, as he read through it his face turned red with rage. "How dare you spend company time buying such frivolous items, you get to Bond now before I sack you!" He shouted. I was confused. "What are you on about? Bond gave me that list, I'm not screwing around, call him and ask."I explained with extreme confusion. He got his iPhone out his pocket and called Bond. "Bond did you instruct my agent to buy your pleasure items from a shop? Why the hell would you do that? Damn it Bond why do you always give my recruits such stupid tasks? Well too bad Bond, you're an agent here like everyone else and so you have to let new recruits shadow you! I don't have time for this, bye. Go on then, follow Bond's instructions." Carlton barked and then stormed off.

"What did he mean by frivolous and pleasure items?" I thought to myself. As I reached a corner shop, I opened the list and realized why Carlton was so angry.

1 hustler magazine

A box of tissues

A tube of hand cream

12 pack of Durex

2 bottles of Durex play

A Cucumber

A can of whipped cream

A jar of peanut butter

A tube of vagisil

A tube of hemorrhoid cream

A box of Tampax

A box of pregnancy tests

A box of morning after pills.

I knew this wouldn't be so easy. I thought Bond just couldn't be bothered to deal with me so sent me away. But I was foolish to believe he wouldn't pull some prank on me. I went to the checkout with all the items, and the cashier was a woman. Just perfect, I thought to myself. My cheeks turned bright red. As the woman scanned all the items she glared at me and tutted. "Look these aren't for me." I said. "Oh then who are they for? Your mate Rickey who was too embarrassed, like I've never heard that before." The woman said.

I walked back to MI6, fearing what he'd make me do next. Hopefully it wouldn't be more embarrassing then that, but knowing Bond that was only the beginning. I entered Bond's office and put the bag on his desk. He looked through the bag. "Now make me a coffee. Remember it must 2789 milligrams of sugar, 17.5 centiliters of milk, exactly 80 degrees Fahrenheit, and make sure to stir it counterclockwise three times then clockwise six times. I had a baffled look on my face. No way could I remember all of those random obscure measurements. He was having a laugh, he had to be. I walked into the kitchen. "Now what was it 2000 and what milligrams of sugar? No this is stupid, this has to be prank. I mean honestly who asks for sugar in milligrams?" I said out loud.

I just made him a normal coffee. I figured out that no matter how good or bad you make the coffee he'd tell you to take it back. I brought it to his office preparing for the shouting. I put it on his desk; he took a sip and put it straight down. "This tastes all wrong, did you not follow a single measurement. Now make me another one." Bond ordered. I waited 15 minutes before giving him another coffee. I just made the same coffee over and over until he got bored. "Okay enough coffee; go enjoy your lunch break." He said clearly not giving a shit.

After lunch there was a note on Bond's door saying to meet in the staff lounge. I was dreading what he would make me do. As I entered the lounge, there Bond was with several older agents. Crap I thought to myself. "Hello, Brendon Bolt was it?" Bond asked mockingly. "Brandon Colt, sir." I corrected him. "I need a foot massage to detox, get busy."Bond ordered while taking off his shoes and socks. A vile smell of sweaty feet filled the room. "I'm not doing that." I said. "Colt, it's your job to shadow and do what I ask and I'm asking for a foot rub." Bond said getting annoyed. "Look Bond, I know how you have a reputation for making rookies do incredibly stupid and menial tasks for your own amusement, and there is no way I'm rubbing your feet." I protested. "Alright fine, here read this message to M, and remember what I said before about confidentiality, return to me when you're done." Bond said.

No way was I reading this to M; I knew there would be something rude that would get me in trouble. I walked out the door and read the message. 'M, you are very smelly and wrinkly, you are ugly too and I don't like you. I hate you so I dug up your mum and shagged her, and then I left her corpse unburied for the wolves to eat.' As I finished reading it I scrunched it up and chucked it straight in the bin as a look of disgust filled my face. I then went to the cubicles and began researching stuff, for all Bond knew I was sacked on the spot and so wasn't expecting a return. Mr. Carlton didn't even ask why I was there; he probably thought Bond gave me another stupid task. That was my first encounter with Bond; my next was interesting to say the least.

After finally being promoted to a full agent, my first big assignment was not far off. I was called into M's office ready to be briefed for my first assignment. "Good morning 027, I hope you are ready for your first assignment. Due to this being your first assignment in a foreign country you will be assigned a partner." M explained. I was excited to be going abroad on official MI6 business that nothing could ruin my day, or so I thought. "Your partner will be 007" M said, it felt like daggers through my ears. No doubt M saw the horror on my face. "Are you alright 027?" M asked. "Uh yeah, I just felt a bit dizzy, that's all." I explained.

"Very well, time to meet your partner, 027 meet 007" M said as he walked through the door. As he saw who I was he looked rather unhappy, we awkwardly shook hands. "Okay, you two will be going to Laguna Hills California, a man by the name of Parker Brown is suspected of hacking into the MI6 network and stealing confidential files. The hacking came from his general area, and he is part of an Anglophobic group. I will send you both a file detailing more about him. I'm also assigning you two false identities, and you'll need to work on your American accents so he doesn't suspect you. Good luck both of you."

"What are you still doing here? I was sure you were fired after you said that message." Bond asked confused. "Well I never gave M the message because I'm not as stupid as you think." I replied. "Oh great, and now we have to travel to California together, this'll be fun." Bond said sarcastically. "Look I don't know why you hate rookies, but we've got a job to do and I'd rather this didn't turn out awry. And anyway you were once a rookie, everyone was." I snapped sick of his crap. Bond didn't say anything after that. Throughout the whole flight Bond and I didn't talk. He was too busy chatting up the air hostess; I think he might've even joined the mile high club. It was unbelievable how many women he chatted up at the airport. Every time there was a pretty girl he tried his luck. I was busy reading up on Parker Brown's file. He was a white man in his 20s, average height, overweight, very xenophobic. I'd been given the name Tim Clark, visiting from Ohio with my uncle Jack Clark, which was Bonds fake name.

We entered the Hills hotel, "Alright Bond, remember we're Tim and Jack Clark, you're my uncle and we're visiting from Ohio. And don't forget to talk in an American accent, and don't be too stereotypical, no saying dude, like or man etc. They'll see right through that." I explained to Bond. "Please, I've been working at MI6 for years; I know what I'm doing." Bond said rudely. We were greeted at the front desk by a woman in her thirties. "Well hello beautiful. What's a gorgeous woman like yourself doing in such a boring miserable place like this?" Bond said not even bothering with the American accent. I wanted to slap him. "Name please?" The woman asked. "Bond, James Bond." He said. "Do you have a reservation?" She asked. I pushed him aside. "Yeah, but it's under the name Clark. My uncle and I are visiting from Ohio." I said faking an American accent. "Uncle, but he's British?" The woman asked confused. "So, My Mom's British." I explained. "Okay, here's your room keys, enjoy your stay." The woman said. As I took the room keys and walked down the hall Bond glared at me.

"You ruined a sure thing; I had her in the palm of my hand." Bond snapped at me. "We're here to catch a criminal, not for you to bang as many women as you can. And now they know your real name, M gave us those fake names for a reason."I replied. "I will shag as many women as I want, and I never take those fake names, I don't know why you're bothering with it. I'm going to my room now to relax. You go to your room and read through the files and I'll ring you when I'm ready." Bond said as he walked off.

I took a quick shower and changed out of my suit into Brown cargo shorts and a black Polo Shirt. I then sat on the bed and watched some TV awaiting Bond's phone call to say he's ready.

It had been a couple of hours and I still hadn't heard from Bond. I knocked on his door and he didn't open it. I rang his phone and no answer. I went to the hotel bar and saw Bond chatting up some Spanish women. I sighed shocked at his constant need for coitus. Not even those womanizers on TV were this bad. I walked up to him. "Bond what the hell? You said you'd get me after a few minutes." I said. "Not now Colt Can't you see I'm busy!" Bond snapped. "Los siento nosotros tiene trabajar, adios." I said to the Spanish woman, she walked off.

"What did you say?" Bond asked angrily. "I told her we have work" I said. "Why would you do that? I had her." Bond snapped again. "Because we do have work, now come on." I said impatiently. "Next time I'm with a woman don't interrupt me. Now where are we going?" Bond asked. "Chucky Cheese, off of La Paz." I explained. "Let's go then." Bond said angrily. "You're not going dressed like that are you?" I asked, he was wearing an expensive suit that would surely make him stick out. "Why what's wrong with it?" "Well let's see, we're going to a kid's restaurant with arcade machines, and you're dressed like a man in canary wharf." I explained. "I'll dress how I bloody well want to." Bond snapped. I didn't argue, there was no point.

We got into a silver Aston Martin DB9 supplied by Q branch. I still don't understand why M always supplies Bond with such luxurious cars, he always wrecks them. And a fancy car like this is terrible for keeping a low profile, none the less Bond's fancy suits made him stick out anyway.

Bond was driving rather fast and reckless, there was constant beeps from other car horns. "Slow down, you're going to hurt someone!" I said to Bond, he just ignored me. We stopped at a red light so I attempted to devise a plan with Bond. "Okay so Parker Brown hangs out at Chucky Cheese every night where he orders a pizza then plays some games, how do you think we should approach him?" I asked. "Bond!" I repeated but he didn't reply, he was looking at a red Porsche in the next line, driven by a young blonde woman, I sighed. She was smiling at Bond and then Bond was getting ready to race her. "Bond don't you dare." I said, but he put on some cheesy nineties music and turned up the volume to full.

The light turned green and the car shot off. The red Porsche wasn't even going in the same direction as us, Bond then missed the turning. We eventually arrived, no thanks to Bond's manic driving. The Chucky Cheese was in a small retail park, there were several other small shops and restaurants. Bond got out the car and slammed the door. I got out the car and starting explaining my plan. "Okay so we walk up to Parker and carefully interrogate him, see if we can get any info on his hackings." I said. "Listen Colt, I'm the senior agent, and you're the stupid rookie. I've been doing this for years; this is your first mission and you've clearly got no clue how things work, so don't interrupt me or get in my way because I don't want to fail a mission due to a stupid rookie error." Bond said. I didn't respond.

We walked into the Chucky Cheese and were greeted with the blaring noise of arcade machines and the strong smell of pizza. I instantly spotted Parker at a table with two other men, presumably his friends. Parker was wearing a blue baseball cap with the US flag on it, and a lime green shirt. One of his friends was dressed in a grey tracksuit and the other in blue overalls. Bond was scanning the room looking for Parker. "I can't see him anywhere, we must be early." Bond said. "No, if anything we're late. You really can't see him. He has a very unique appearance as shown in his file." I said. "Well he's not here yet, so he also must be late." Bond said. "You didn't read the file did you? Over there, the table by the window, man with the USA hat and lime green shirt." I said to Bond. "Oh now I see him. Yes I was testing you to see if you spotted him." "Sure you were." I said sarcastically.

We were then greeted by a server. "How many will I be seating tonight?" The man asked. "Two." Bond replied immediately. He sat us down at a small table. A woman in her twenties then came to take our order. "Hi what can I get you?" She asked. "Well I'd like to take you home and relieve you of your current duties." Bond said in a pervy manner. "I'm sorry?" The woman asked confused. "But I'll settle for a Vodka Martini, shaken not stirred." Bond said cockily. "Sorry sir but we don't serve that, we serve soda, water, juice, milkshakes, beer or wine." The woman said. "I'll have a Heineken." Bond said. "Sorry but we don't have Heineken." Bond looked slightly agitated. "Just bring me any bottle of beer then." He said coldly. "For you sir?" She asked me. "Just a sprite please."I asked politely.

We stood up and headed in Parkers direction "Okay so Parker has two friends with him so let's be careful how we do this." I said but Bond had already walked up to Parker and began talking to him. "Parker Brown, I know you hacked into the MI6 network and downloaded some confidential files, own up now and things will be easier on you." Bond said straight and to the point. Parker and his friends looked confused. "Are you high or something? Who the fuck are you?" "Bond, James Bond. Parker I'm really not in the mood for playing silly buggers so just admit you downloaded those files or things will get rough."Bond said angrily. I stood back fearing for the worst.

Parker and his friends stood up and approached Bond. "Look man you're clearly wasted and have no idea what you're saying." said the man in the tracksuit when Parker punched Bond in the cheek. Bond then retaliated with a hard punch to Parker's chin. He punched the track suited man in the stomach. The man in overalls then grabbed Bond from behind. Parker then walked up to Bond ready to punch him, and then Bond kicked him in the chest. Bond elbowed the overalls man in the stomach, and then did an uppercut to his chin. The tracksuited man smashed a bottle and attempted to cut Bond with it. Bond grabbed his wrist and punched his inner elbow making him drop the bottle. Parker then ran off and his friends followed behind him. Bond was catching his breath and didn't even attempt to chase them.

I just sat back and watched the fight break out, I didn't see the point getting involved, Bond started it he could finish it. As Bond turned towards me, he noticed the whole restaurant staring at him. "Sir please surrender; don't make me call the cops." The server said. "It's Okay we're with MI6." Bond said calmly showing his badge. We quietly exited the restaurant.

"You could've helped me back there." Bond snapped. "Well you said not to interrupt you and to stay out of your way so I did." I replied. "There were three of them and one of me; you could've helped me fight them off." "You clearly had the situation under control so I didn't interrupt you and stayed out of your way. Anyway now we have to sneak into Parker's house and look through his computer for the files. Once we have proof we can then take him in." I said. "Great, that means I have to spend another day on this stupid assignment with you." Bond said angrily. "Well if we carefully interrogated him like I said we probably wouldn't have to sneak in his house tomorrow." Bond then glared at me. We went back to the hotel after an unsuccessful night. As we entered the lobby I told Bond that we're meeting at nine o'clock sharp after breakfast, he didn't respond.

The next morning I knocked on Bond's door. No answer. I saw he had a do not disturb sign on the door. I kept knocking until Bond answered the door. Eventually a disoriented Bond opened the door, wearing only a bathrobe. "Damn it Bond I said be ready by nine o'clock." I snapped at him. "Well something came up last night." Bond said letting out a yawn. "James honey what's going on?" said a woman's voice. "Really Bond?" I said shocked. "Give me half an hour and I'll be ready. "No you have ten minutes, and if you're not in the lobby then I'll come back and knock again." I said impatiently.

I was amazed MI6 hadn't sacked Bond. He always wrecked the Q branch equipment, he never followed protocol, he always caused unnecessary chaos and he was always delaying the mission pursuing women. How he hadn't been seduced and killed by an enemy spy was a miracle. After waiting ten minutes a disheveled Bond walked into the lobby. His suit collar was propped up and his tie was loose. As we walked into the car park I asked him for the car keys.

"No I'm driving." "Bond you look really tired, it's probably not a good idea for you to drive, so hand over the keys." Bond handed me the keys as and I got in the driver's seat. The car was a lot harder to drive than I thought it would be. It had bad handling, how Bond manages to drive one of these so reckless and not crash is beyond me. As we arrived at Parker's house I quickly briefed Bond. "Okay so Parker should be at work for the whole day, hoping that he's not taking the day off due to yesterday's ruckus." I explained.

We snuck in through the side gate; Parker hadn't bothered to lock the backdoor so entry was rather easy. As we entered I listened out for any indication of Parker being home, but the house was quiet. I began looking around for a computer to search for the files. I had no luck downstairs. We went upstairs and began searching the rooms but still nothing. One of the rooms was locked. "Bond, I think the computers behind this locked door, give me the Q branch lock opener." I called to Bond.

"Wait Colt, I've found the computer." Bond said from across the hall. The computer was hidden behind a bookshelf. "How the hell did you find that?" I asked Bond. "Well there was a book titled the similarities between peanuts and baseballs, it seemed rather suspicious so I pulled it out and the computer appeared." Bond said. I pressed the power button on the computer then the door to the room slammed shut. "Oh shit, it's a trap." I said. The next thing I know gas started filling the room and I passed out.

I woke up and felt dazed, my eyes were blurry and my ears were ringing. I then saw I was tied to a chair, and Bond was tied to a chair next to me. We were in a dirty basement with no windows. I heard footsteps coming down the stairs, it was Parker, he looked angry. "What the fuck are you British douche bags doing in my home?" Parker asked angrily. "I told you yesterday Parker, we know you stole confidential files, and we've come to take you in." Bond said. "Yes I did download some files, files of your future military plans. You British are jealous of Americans; you've been jealous ever since we kicked your asses in the American Revolution and have been planning to steal the US back. You've just always fail because we own your asses." Parker said.

"You're an absolute lunatic, why would we steal the US back, and how would downloading files of British military action help you?" I asked. "I was hoping to find your current plans for stealing the US, so I downloaded the military files. But I found nothing useful so I downloaded some British secrets, that way I could blackmail you into admitting your plans to steal our great nation. "What are you on about? The UK isn't trying to steal the US, that's absolute nonsense." I said. "Yes you are, for hundreds of years you've been doing schemes to steal the US, ever since we kicked you out, but you always lose because British people suck. USA!" Parker said. "Listen here you fucking moron, we don't have time for your crazy ramblings, now let us go before I have to beat the shit out of you, you fucking nutter!" Bond shouted.

Parker's face went red with anger. "How dare you speak to me like that! You beat me and my friends up last night, and now you're all tied up, paybacks a bitch." Parker said with a sort of smile on his face. Parker punched Bond in the cheek."Ouch my hand!" Parker said as he ran upstairs crying. "What a nutcase." I said. "Ramblings of a mad man, how loose are your ropes?" Bond asked me. "Not loose at all, yours?" "Tight, this chair is quite shitty though, I'm going to try and break it." Bond said standing up. He then jumped on his back as hard as he could, shattering the wooden chair. Bond may have been a bad agent, but he had a great pain tolerance.

Bond then untied me and we went upstairs. We found a crying Parker running his hand under the tap. Bond grabbed him by the shirt. "Take me to your computer Parker!" Bond shouted. "No, you'll ruin my plan!" Parker cried. Bond pinned him to the wall then slapped him. "I won't ask again." Bond said impatiently. He took us to the locked room from before. Bond turned on the computer. "Password!" Bond demanded. "Patriot76." Parker said terrified. Bond then deleted all the files from MI6. "Right Colt lets ring John and let him know we've got Parker in custody and deleted all the files." Bond said.

I rang John and told him what we learnt, we then met him at the MI6 base in OC, and Parker was put into the MI6 prison for the time being. "Hello 007 and 027, good work for capturing Brown, we'll take the rest from here." John explained. "May I ask what will become of Parker?" I asked. "Well the man's clearly a lunatic so he'll probably be taken to a mental institute. How did you find your first mission 027?" John asked me. "Well, several things went wrong, but it was an overall success so I'm pleased." I told John, he chuckled.

Bond and I took the next flight back to London. M wanted to debrief us immediately when we got back. M did not look pleased when we entered the office. M began reading from a paper on the desk. "Reckless driving, brawling inside a family restaurant, three civilians injured." M took a breath; Bond was staring at the floor avoiding eye contact. "But you caught the culprit, erased the files and the mission was an overall success. Good work 007 and 027. And well done for completing your first mission 027. Parker was given a psychological analysis and declared legally insane, so he's being put into a mental asylum for the rest of his life. You two are now dismissed." Bond and I then left M's office. I was going to congratulate Bond but he walked off before I could do so.

There you have it, my first assignment with the infamous 007. None of my other assignment have required me to work with Bond. Given the choice Bond is the last agent I'd choose to work with, he's reckless, irresponsible and completes assignments out of pure luck. Yet he's still M's favored choice for important assignments. Anyway I bid you adieu.

Fin-


End file.
